Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

After much thought (seems I've been doing a lot of that lately), I decided to post a pic of myself in my current condition... Granted, the profile pic I posted was taken on Mother's Day 2009 - BUT - not a lot has changed since then. I'm still sporting the lovely "boobie-do" (Don't tell me you didn't notice that my gut protrudes further than my boobies do...) and my elbows are still struggling to exist. The extra skin around my chin has distorted my face so that I could pass for a bull frog.

I think, for me, the hardest part of this whole "self intervention" has meant ADMITTING that I'm out-of-control fat. Admitting to myself that I'm unhealthy and that I do, indeed, need to get off my flabby, fat, once quite lovely ass and do something about it.

I believe fat chicks... well, THIS fat chick... live somewhere between reality and comfortable delusion. You see, I would look at other overweight women and say to myself, "there's NO WAY I'm THAT big"... or I'd hold up my size 18 britches and think, "it just LOOKS big... I'm not really that round". When I'd stand naked in front of the mirror, I'd blame the lighting. I often ask my husband when we are out in public, "Am I as big as her?" and, he answers me honestly.

My husband and I are brutally & painfully honest with one another - and I wouldn't have it any other way! He's not happy about my weight (not just because it wreaks havoc on our sex life - which sucks because the 30's have been every bit as exciting as everyone says they were going to be - but because of my health issues, as well). It's hard to see yourself for what you really are MOST of the time, but when you are blessed with a relationship that allows honesty or when you can look outside of yourself and see what others see - then you can appreciate the great things about yourself and change the not so great things... which I've had to do SO many times in my life. It's painful - but it's necessary.

Anyway - as lovely as it is for some - I just can't live in this suspended reality anymore. There's nothing great here. There's no sparkling vampire men. There's no promise of magic or wizards. There's no advance notice of upcoming lottery numbers. The only thing I'm promised is heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and a premature death... Doesn't THAT sound like fun?!!?

My mirror and I are slowly working on our relationship, too. I no longer buy into it's bull shit theories about lighting, angles, the type of fabric my clothing consists of, or whether it's raining in Tibet. We both know that there's no denying it anymore. And, when look at my reflection and pout out the words, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall - who's the fattest of them all?", my mirror wisely doesn't say a single word! =)